Broken Relationships in the Family of God
Relationships are hard and messy. No one would disagree with this statement. It’s just the sad truth of our less-than-perfect human existence. After nearly 40 years of serving in the local church as a pastor, I have far too many sad recollections of relationships that have gone sideways in the Church. Sometimes, I caused the wreckage. Sometimes, the other person did. Most times, we participated together in the mutually assured destruction. For the last 27 years of my pastoral ministry, I was given the title and responsibility of a “Lead Pastor.” In the organizational chart, my name was at the top. “The buck stops here,” I often thought as we navigated very sensitive and difficult staff situations. Tough staffing decisions had to be made, and, often, though a team made a difficult termination decision, I almost always made the announcement. Terminations happen after verbal and written warnings about unhealthy behaviors or unsatisfactory performance. So, because of my position, some people’s anger over a staff dismissal would often flow towards me. So now, not only the dismissed staff person but also their family, small group, and friends are agitated. More times than I care to remember, I knew things about a staff person that I could not share when an angry parishioner asked me questions in the lobby, by email or in a meeting. Personnel files are not for public consumption. John Maxwell prophetically said, “Leaders die with secrets.” I have found this to be true. The result is painful for me and for the people I serve. Shattered relationships in the Church resulted.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Since 2001, I have been on a bible reading schedule where I read the Old Testament once and the New Testament twice a year. One of the benefits of this bible reading regimen is that I’m “forced” to read parts of the Bible, I wouldn’t usually read. Have you read the Minor Prophets lately? Another benefit of this cycle of bible reading is that over the years, I have begun to notice things that for whatever reason, I have not noticed in my past bible reading. Patterns emerge. Insights jump off the pages. My book “Everybody Needs Some Cave Time,” for example, was the result of decades of reading the Bible and noticing that caves played an important role in the lives of biblical characters.
Over the last year, I have found myself paying particular attention to the end of Paul’s letters. Paul wrote a majority of the New Testament letters to constellations of house churches meeting in cities like Corinth or regions like Galatia as well as letters to individuals. The courageous church planter would often end his letters with personal greetings and comments to individuals, couples, or house churches. Sometimes, a person was mentioned several times in several different letters. Take for example, Tychicus. Luke records that Tychicus was a part of Paul’s missionary band in Acts 20:4. But he’s also mentioned in four of Paul’s letters: two to churches (Ephesians and Colossians) and two to Paul’s mentees (Timothy and Titus). Some speculate that he was given the assignment to read the letters Paul wrote to the house churches Paul had established through Asia Minor.
Another person who is mentioned repeatedly in Paul’s closing greetings is a man named “Demas.” In two letters, Colossians, written to a church, and Philemon, written to a person, Paul simply states that Demas sent a greeting:
Our dear friend Luke, the doctor, and Demas send greetings. Colossians 4:14 (NIV)
Epaphras, my fellow prisoner in Christ Jesus, sends you greetings. And so do Mark, Aristarchus, Demas and Luke, my fellow workers. Philemon 1:23-24 (NIV)
Many scholars think these two letters were written around 62 AD. This would have been during the time Paul was in house arrest in Rome as described at the end of the Book of Acts. In these two letters, Demas is mentioned as part of the team. He was “on staff” with Paul and his colleagues.
Demas was also mentioned in a third of Paul’s letter. This letter was written to his spiritual son and likely the pastor of the constellation of house churches in the city of Ephesus in current-day Turkey. The tone in this third mention of Demas has dramatically shifted in this letter. Paul writes of Demas:
Do your best to come to me quickly, for Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me… 2 Timothy 4:9-10a (NIV)
Many scholars date this second letter to Timothy around 64-65 AD. Some posit that this was the last letter Paul wrote. His personal testimony right before this final greeting supports this contention:
For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. 2 Timothy 4:6-8 (NIV)
As we saw in the Book of Acts, Paul had been told by God that his trip to Rome would end his life. Paul had confidence in God that he was near the end of his assignment from Jesus to take the Gospel to the Gentiles.
Despite Paul’s settled relationship with God, something happened in Paul’s relationship with Demas. It was not settled. It was broken. Something unknown to us happened between 62 AD and 64-65 AD that shattered the relationship between these two co-laborers in the Gospel. Paul never opens up Demas’ employee file. He simply states that his friend deserted him …because he loved this world… Demas was no longer “on staff.”
I draw strength and hope from this little hidden gem in Paul’s writings. After four decades of leading and serving in the local church, I know that many will celebrate my influence in their lives for Christ, but I also know that a few will think of me negatively and maybe worse yet, as a foe. This is just a harsh reality on this side of the grave. My hope is that in eternity, all divisions will be mended as we stand before the One who redeemed our sin-sick, war-torn, blue-green planet and the broken people who dwelt on it. Relationships, even in the family of God, are hard and messy. That’s for sure.
With all that remains unsolved and unresolved, the files that are closed and the secrets locked away, we like Paul can hold onto faith in Jesus, who first took hold of us. That is often not the perfect ending we wish for, but for a time, it is enough.
